Dear Old Jonathan,
I look at you now with so much love and compassion.
And if, 3 years ago, someone had told you that I’d be using love, compassion, and Jonathan in the same sentence?
You’d have laughed in their face. “Men don’t talk like that. Men don’t talk about feelings.”
And you? You tried to bury your feelings in pizza, wings, chips, doughnuts … And I don’t blame you. You don’t need to feel guilty about that anymore.
You didn’t know any better. You didn’t have the tools, the knowledge, the understanding. You were doing the best you could with what you had at the time.
You had these big feelings, these huge emotions, and no idea how to express them. Anger was the only “safe” one. At least that one felt “manly”.
I remember how frustrated you used to feel. “How can I know all this and yet feel helpless?”
“How can I help everybody else and not myself?”
I smile now, thinking about how you were already coaching people successfully, even when you weighed almost 300lbs.
That’s actually pretty impressive. But, there was a piece missing. And you didn’t know what it was. And that made you even madder. Which then made you take out your frustration by eating an entire large pizza, alone, in your car, in the parking lot.
I remember how you looked around, hoping that none of your clients or friends would see you. Ohh, the Guilt. Shame. Regret. Those 3 amigos, man, as soon as you were done eating, they showed up.
And under all of that, you remembered. You remembered what it used to be like to be athletic. Heck, a part of you was in complete denial.
It was like you couldn’t even see how bad it had gotten. In your mind, somehow, there was still that 210lb athlete.
So what changed?
It started with hiring a coach. That was one of the hardest things you ever did. You were a man. And in your mind, men didn’t ask for help. That was a sign of weakness.
But finally, something in you broke down, and you realized “I need help. I can’t do this myself.”
Little did you know that that coach was going to change your life forever. It didn’t happen overnight. Heck, for the first 4 months, it seemed like all you were doing was spinning your tires.
And time after time, you wanted to quit. To give up. Because you felt like such a failure. A loser. Hopeless.
And yet, there was your coach. That jerk, he refused to quit on you. He saw something in you, even when you couldn’t see it in yourself.
And step by step, he patiently worked with you, nurturing that potential he saw. Eventually, his belief in you started to rub off.
You started to allow yourself to actually imagine the possibilities. But, you were scared. You had tried and failed so many times in the past. It felt like failure was your middle name.
But, little by little, as the small wins started to happen, you started seeing REAL change. You started to see the potential that your coach saw in you all along.
You see, from day 1, he never saw you as a failure. He saw a diamond in the rough that had been through some unbelievably hard experiences. And needed A LOT of compassion to bring you out of your shell.
If you could see me today, I think you might blush a little. But secretly, you’d be so incredibly proud. If only you knew that all those hard experiences were part of shaping me into who I am today.
So, Old Jonathan, as I prepare to sign off, I just want to say I’m grateful. I’m so incredibly grateful for all of the hardships, the heartbreak, the struggles and the failures.
They were necessary because they were teaching you, shaping you, moulding you. And I know they weren’t fun, but I’d do them all again if I knew I’d be where I am today.
It’s why I’m able to do what I do. I’m helping others to change their lives in a powerful way. In the same way that Coach Scott helped you.
I’m doing the work I was meant to do all along. And, the exciting thing is, we’re only just getting started.